Sometimes In Life You Just Want To...

Sob uncontrollably. ~sigh~ I just got back home from the hospital. I had to take C to the doctors because this morning when she came into our room and said her neck hurt, I noticed immediately that her left gland was HUGE, so huge in fact she could barely speak and couldn't move her head. I feel so... There really are no words for the amount of anger and sadness I have with myself. All day yesterday she complained that her neck hurt and I figured because she had a cold that it was just a headache. Well it's not. She has an acute case of tonsillitis, so bad that she not only had to have a shot but we are on a 24 our watch to make sure that if it gets any bigger we will rush her to the emergency room to have it cut open and fluid taken out. If that does happen she will have to spend a couple days there. I know this isn't the WORST thing that could happen, at least she is alive, but my daughter is 4 and is absolutely miserable and I put it off all day thinking it was just a headache. I am such a loser. To really makes things special she also has a sever left ear infection. Nice. I have to say though the most horrific thing of it all was when the doctor had to show me the signs for meningitis. (gulp) He took my daughter and moved her head and felt her spine, than turned to me and showed me how diagnoise it. He moved my daughters head and neck telling me the symptoms to this horrible disease, he said that I had to watch her closely because meningitis is the disease that can kill in hours. HOURS! Hours! Hours! Typing this is so difficult, to be told that it was/is a possibility. I can't describe the fear, the ice that sits in my stomach. The tears that stream down my face, just because he touched my daughter and said those words to me. He moved my daughters legs and head and uttered those words, death. She doesn't have it as far as we know, he said that she is good. I just can't get that feeling out, those words continue to echo. I can't stop crying. My middle daughter C is VERY healthy normally, and she's full of life. When she was a week old, she contracted RSV and was hospitalized for a week on a ventilator. I was so young and had no idea what RSV was, I just thought she had the sniffles. I waited almost 2 DAYS before I took her to the doctor, I was so ignorant. She was rushed in an ambulance, because she was breathing at only 70 %, she could have died in the night. I stayed there 24 hours a day, for the full 7 day stay and I have NEVER felt more stupid, or more fearful until now. I swore I would never ignore something again. I was true to my promise until yesterday. ~sigh~ P.s. I will be on later tonight and read everyone's T.T., I just can't do it right now. If you leave a comment on mine though I will link you but I won't read it until this evening. Thanks for the support everyone, I really do appreciate it.