Do You Care, No Really?!
I have a hard time posting about myself and I usually let the poetry do the talking since otherwise I can't seem to find the words, and honestly trying to be funny is hard. I'm to tired for laughter, I wanted instead to bring you yawns, yep my job in life is to make people realize how tired they in fact are. Is it working? Cause I could try harder...
Ahh, lame jokes, they always get me. So today has been a decent day and I feel like a decent parent because I took them to the park and then tried to ignore them for the next 2 hours, lots of fun and hey anything that involves coffee and Lena, makes me happy. Noting that however, I feel funk-ish, shopping would make me happy only I'm broke for the next week, plus taking my kids shopping is enough to bring anyone to their knees. I wonder some times if I have some kind of mood disorder, if in fact I am crazy and the voices really aren't supposed to be there.
I have a phobia about being crazy, about losing my mind. I'm always waiting for the last pin to drop and my mind will suddenly break. Is that normal? I find it hard to believe if that is normal, since most things about me are ab-normal and no that is not just my low self-esteem talking ya'll. I feel like the outside, you know what everyone else views, is just a shell and that no one truly sees the ab-normal-ness of me, the inner bitch. I'm sure all women from time to time feel that, but I don't know I feel like an imposter; a phony.
Does my outside have to match my inside?
And if it did what would I look like?
Ever see Leaving Las Vegas with Nicolas Cage and Elizabeth Shue? You know how dark that movie is? I feel like I have that darkness, that sickness that lives inside of me, but I feel like a suburban mom as well, I feel the light and the dark. I feel like I don't belong, like I'm not supposed to be here, that everyone can spot me from a mile away.
Can crazy reside with sanity?
Am I normal and If I am do I want to be?
Is my unique-ness tied up with my ying and yang?
I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, if in fact you have already left my site because I do not have any nude photos of Jessica Alba. The point of this post was to release some of my angst and trust me I took it easy on ya'll, after all it's Tuesday and no one likes crazy people on Tuesday.
posted by Virenda at
1/31/2006 04:06:00 PM
5 Comments:
I know, lol and thanks. He is the only reason why I didn't go over the edge. :0)
It's hard to remember that sometimes though and focus on the positive.
Believe me Vi, everybody feels like you do. We all want to tie our worth to something (our looks, a man, our money, our job, our kids) so that we can FEEL real - feel worthy. But, if you have an "off" day then you don't have anything to fall back on. You haev to learn to stop judging yourself so harshly and see all the incredible things everyone else sees along with the crazy stuff. We all have it!
Further, you have created a life of love for your kids and for your husband. You are undoing the things your mother did and you are slowly healing. Remember that. You have created an incredible life against the odds. You are going to have residual crap to deal with on the way. As do I. As does everybody. This is just part of the process of maturing.
You're a beautiful person - inside and out.
It's only normal when you have small children. It gets better. I promise. ;)
I know that my inside don't usually match my outsides and that is what probably makes me crazy. There would be less stress and tension I'm sure if we could get our insides and outside close to matching. But I don't have a clue of how to do that or I would be working on it myself.
I do know that our small chats help ease the tension of my inside and outside. There is just something about you that I like and that helps. I hope I can be a little glimps of a shadow of light that helps you from time to time. I'm also glad you have Lena! But who am I anyway?
Thank you everyone for your support. I feel better when i have a chance to post something, normally I can put away the crap for a while afterwards.
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